Miss Courage – A Man’s View

I’m a 38 year old Londoner now living in Australia and my wife has  asked me to write a few words on Miscarriage (Miss Courage) – through the eyes of a man.

This is honestly the first thing I’ve written in 22 years and it’s 5am, so here goes! Being a West Ham fan from England I liken Miscarriage to relegation. I’ve now had one Championship (the birth of my daughter) and two relegations.

When I received the news of my first relegation my first thought was, “This is going to be a nightmare – What do I say?” There was honestly no real thought for myself, only for my wife. I was just thinking, “What do I say to my wife?” I then found myself saying, “Don’t worry It will be okay”, “We will get through this”, which seemed the most natural things to say at the time. And I think I did ok.

I have to say one thing I have learnt from the whole baby journey is that you don’t realise at the start how much courage you need to start the journey and once you’re in it, how many hurdles you have to jump through…or bloody pay for!

Going through miscarriage, a few things come to my mind:-

▪ How bloody strong and courageous women are

▪ What an amazing job the doctors and nurses do at the hospital under pretty rubbish conditions

▪ Are we still really asking people to go home to their bedroom or bathroom to have a natural miscarriage?

▪ Do you really need to book an appointment for a D&C, only to be told we are fully booked and can’t fit you in;

▪ This is a world I didn’t know about, and in lots of ways wish I still didn’t.

The days that follow a miscarriage are spent by the woman looking for answers and reasons why on Dr Google, which is full of awful stories on crusty websites.

Obviously nobody should or will prepare for miscarriage, but once it does happen, I feel that there could be a better system in place to educate and support women through the weeks that follow without the need to search “Miscarriage” on Dr Google.

Every relegation results in questions during the close season like ‘What happened?” or “Where did we get it so wrong?” Then after a few meetings, a new trainer and changes to the team we start playing again with the aim of becoming champions.

I personally feel that the best thing a man can do is simply be there for his wife as much as they can. Keep things simple and make your next attempt the best you can.

I have drastically cut down on alchol and caffeine as it’s what the doctor advised…and it’s really what my wife wants.

One doctor said to us whilst discussing pregnancy, ‘You wouldn’t start a marathon without good preparation and training.”

I hope that the ‘Pink Elephants Support Network’ will be able to offer support to men and women during their journey. That it can provide a platform to help people prepare the best they can and create a community for people, so that you don’t feel like you are on the journey alone.

Every negative must be turned into a positive and with that we start the journey again!

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